My name is Linda and I’m an addict.
I grew up with my dad, my mum and my brother. I did well in school and had lots of friends. However, I had a speech disorder.
A traumatic experience I had when I was 11 drastically changed the course of my life. That was when I started hiding my true self, acting tougher than I actually felt. I started smoking cigarettes, using cannabis and drinking alcohol. By the time I was 15, I was experimenting with hard drugs.
“Cocaine seemed like the perfect solution to all my problems.”
By the time I had turned 18, my drug use had really spiralled out of control, and I was snorting about five grams of coke a day. I was admitted to a rehab centre for teenagers where the focus was mainly on my cocaine use rather than on the underlying causes. I stopped using cocaine but continued drinking alcohol at the weekend. At the time, I thought I was clean and back in control of my life. I didn’t realise that I was actually still addicted, numbing my problems with alcohol and obsessive behaviours like studying and working exceptionally hard.
Five years passed during which I struggled with myself, feeling depressed and unhappy. I did well at school and work – or at least I thought I did. After my first stay in rehab, I decided I wanted to work in addiction care myself. I started studying Social Work and did my work placement at a rehabilitation centre.
“But I lied about my alcohol abuse and started feeling worse about myself.”
Sooner or later, my addiction was bound to catch up with me – and it did in September 2020, when I started using oxycodone. Not long after, I began using cocaine again. I lost my job, and with it, I lost my self-esteem and my perspective on life. From that moment on, nothing held me back anymore. Soon, my drug use sent me into a downwards spiral. I started smoking crack cocaine and using Xanax and oxycodone at the same time. I became psychotic, no longer able to tell what was real and what wasn’t and started driving around dangerously while completely high.
“I played with my life, and I couldn’t have cared less. I was absolutely desperate. ”
In that state, I went for an addiction assessment at Connection SGGZ in Eindhoven. I had to undergo a detox, followed by inpatient treatment at ‘Landgoed Kortenbos’, a rehab centre in Meerlo. At first, I acted like I’d seen it all before, hiding behind different masks so I wouldn’t have to face my real feelings. However, the counsellors and recovery mentors saw right through me. During those six weeks, I was able to learn so much. After completing rehab, I moved into a safehouse. I also underwent trauma therapy at a trauma treatment centre.
“It really works if you work for it!”
I’ve been clean for 18 months now and I have never felt happier. I spent half my life using all kinds of substances to numb my emotions. These days, I allow myself to feel, talk about and process my emotions – I’ve learnt to see myself as I truly am.
“I no longer need drugs or alcohol because I have learnt to rely on myself.”
Linda underwent her treatment at our rehab centre, Landgoed Kortenbos, from 6 May 2021 to 17 June 2021. Go to recovery stories if you would like to know how other clients experienced their treatment.
