My name is Rob and I’m an addict.
In the years leading up to my treatment with Connection SGGZ at Landgoed Kortenbos, I used drugs daily, usually in secret. I told myself I was still in control of the situation, but things got more and more out of hand: I was buried in debt, cut off from family and friends, my relationship had ended, my body was a mess, I had given up sports, couldn’t function at work anymore and had shut myself off completely from the outside world.
My life was one big lie.
If you had asked me back then why everything had gone so horribly wrong, I would have said it was all down to cocaine.
Every day I promised myself I would stop and every day I broke that promise within the hour.
I got to a point where I no longer cared what I was taking. My life became a cocktail of alcohol, drugs and obsessive behaviour, but as long as I could numb my feelings and escape reality, I told myself I was fine. But the truth was, I couldn’t stop, even though I wanted to. I was using drugs against my will, hating myself for it. Trapped in lies and madness, I eventually reached out for professional help.
It was while I was undergoing treatment at Landgoed Kortenbos when I finally managed to look at my life with honesty and then I realised that the problem was not just one, specific drug.
It was a disease called addiction: obsessive behaviour and substance use to escape a “normal” life.
Even as a child, I showed signs of obsessive behaviour. I collected football stickers, Kinder toys and all the things kids were into back then – although never in a relaxed way, like the others. I was also fixated on sports, gaming and getting attention from girls. Later on, those obsessions shifted to alcohol, drugs and compulsive behaviour around work and sex.
It took me two to three weeks of treatment before I could admit I was an addict.
I thought admitting it would be my final defeat but it turned out to be exactly the opposite.
The moment I admitted I was an addict, I felt a huge sense of relief, as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer felt the need to hide or lie, which felt like a gift in itself, because all those lies had made me ill.
During my stay in rehab at Landgoed Kortenbos, I gradually became aware of my behaviour and negative thought patterns. That awareness, together with the support from the Connection SGGZ team, helped me to slowly start living again, one step at a time.
Taking responsibility, reconnecting with myself and others, being honest, not judging others but instead looking at myself.
The Connection SGGZ programme was intensive but also incredibly comprehensive. In the sessions with psychologists and recovery mentors, I felt truly heard and understood – maybe for the first time in my life. The recognition I found in the stories of my fellow-clients helped me stop feeling so “weird”.
After my stay at Landgoed Kortenbos, I received ten weeks of aftercare from CACN. Together, we continued to work on my recovery, building on from the foundation laid for it at Kortenbos. I kept reflecting on the moment when I became aware of my behaviour and thoughts so I would learn to make different, more sensible choices.
I’m so grateful towards the teams at Connection SGGZ and CACN for their patience and professional approach. I’ve got my life back and it’s so much nicer and more fun than it ever was.
That does not mean I no longer have bad days but I no longer need drugs to pull me through.
I’ve been clean now for 900 days, which truly feels like a miracle, considering that I couldn’t even stay off drugs for 900 seconds in the months before I was admitted.
After my treatments at Connection SGGZ and CACN, I continued to work on myself for another six months. With the help of schema therapy, I managed to break through thinking patterns in which I constantly “punished” myself. I still attend self-help groups (such as CA) which are held daily all over the country.
There is a solution, so please give yourself a chance!
This recovery story was written on 5 July 2023.